frootiee's Blog

I feel so lazy. And worried.

I don’t quite know if it’s the result of endless studying for the past 3 years under the Kerala University, but now i actually get restless if i don’t have anything to study or do. Jeez.

It’s a holiday today and i don’t quite have anything to do except be online or watch some movie. Ugh, it’s so damn boring. The funny thing is, i feel quite an overwhelming desire to do the same two things the nearer the exams get and not otherwise! Huh, i must be nuts ;) Well, that is one statement that needs a lot of pondering over and i think i’ll pass that for now.

As long as i can remember, my only memories are that of studying. I know, i know, the ideal padipist blah blah. It wasn’t this bad back in school but once i got to college, man, this just felt like the real deal. But i got too caught up in the competition and since then i have felt many times that maybe, just maybe, i shouldn’t have tried so hard. I mean, yeah i get some kinda satisfaction out of it, but i missed out on so much meanwhile. Being there for my friends, hanging out on holidays, combined studies..

Well, i can’t fully blame my studies for everything. I have always kept people at arm’s length. If you get close to people, then you’re giving them the power to make or break you and in my case it has always been breaking. I guess i just didn’t want to be vulnerable. Very few know the real me and that’s okay for me. At least someone does.

I don’t know if civil engineering is where i have always wanted to end up because i know so many other subjects i am so much more interested in. English Literature, Maths, Psychology, Forensics, Social services.. These are some fields i equally love. I am actually planning to cover these fields too once i am settled financially. And i will do it :) because i have loved these subjects for as long as i can remember and if i can survive 3 years’ rigorous mental breakdown under the crappy scheme of my university, i think i can accomplish anything i want to.

As for today, for me it’s a day to chill out and do some thinking about my life. I wish i could just bring it down a notch to be more relaxed but i know i can’t. I’ll always be the fast-working, risk-analysing, easily-worried me. #sigh#

I feel like my life hasn’t yet started. It’ll kick-start only after i accomplish some of my goals. Like getting a job, settling abroad in some out-of-the-way country where it’s peaceful and beautiful everywhere i look.. Ireland or places like Verona.. These are my two choices. If i close my eyes now i can see my whole life there stretched out in front of me. I can touch it with my hands if i want to. It’s all there in front of me. Like i have always dreamed.

A year left in college, campus recruitment in full swing, exams and projects back-to-back.. I wish i could just stop for a moment and take a breath. To take a detour to clear my mind of the cobwebs and just find myself in a grass-filled meadow with a gentle breeze ruffling my hair or a take a stroll along a deserted road covered with fallen leaves in the autumn with trees on either side and the calm quiet nature around me.. i would give anything to spend a moment like that right now away from this concrete jungle with its stone-faced inhabitants.. These are the thoughts that make me wonder whether i was really made for the path i am on right now. I can easily see myself in Venice or Paris strolling through the lighted night life, listening to music, marvelling at the paintings and looking up at the stars and making a wish..

The latitudes and longitudes really screwed up my place of birth, i guess. #sigh#

You know those days when you feel everything is lost, there is nothing to live for anymore and nobody left to trust your life with?

I had plenty of those in the past few weeks. Once again I was reminded of the fact that there should always be a limit to the trust you place on people, the extent to which you are making yourself vulnerable. Tme and again this simple fact has tried to pry my eyes open to that reality but I was blind, all the while. I put my faith always on the wrong friends while neglecting those who really mattered and fought with them for so-sillly-it’s-embarrassing-now reasons. But not anymore. It’s time I put my foot down about te people I let into my life. It’s time to get my life in shape.

I don’t live in the same world as everyone else. I barely read the newspapers, I am isolated from what is happening at college; it’s like I wasn’t meant to be here. I know in my guts that this is not where I am supposed to be. I know this is not my destiny. But while I am here I think it would be a good thing to pull the weeds out of my life’s beautiful garden.

I was feeling so down in the dumps over a best friend who barely remembers me but boasts of giving me ‘a special place in my heart always’ but never has time to text me or meet me for weeks. Well i should have remembered long back the now-commonplace quotes “out of sight, out of mind”.

I was feeling so bad and then today I got a text from my old best friend from school saying he’s coming over to chat because he’s bored at home! I cannot express by using mere words the love I felt for him. I have hurt him in all possible ways over the past few years and now he wanted to come over just to chat. I had forgotten how it was to spend time with a best friend, just chatting, laughing at the bad jokes, playing music at full volumes..I had forgotten the fact that it takes only a moment to realise that the right one was with you all along and you never realised it until now when the arms that hold you when you fall are theirs..

So he came over ignoring my protests about how much I had to study and other lame excuses I made. God, what a time we had. I don’t know if it was that great for him too but this was probably one of the best days I ever had with a friend. I really had forgotten how good it felt to spend time with someone who remembered your name when he wanted to hang out. We talked about college, trips we made, ate bread slices sandwiched with chocolate spread (my breakfast), blasted music at full volume from the 5.1 speakers, and chatted about Dexter and The Mentalist and argues over the role of Julia Stiles in Bourne series and Dexter.. He lost a bet he made on the last one ;) .We talked about his sister’s upcoming marriage, he invited me to come around the previous night itself which he knows very well I will not, asked me to suggest what should be his attire on the D-day and its colour. I was again painfully reminded that I have not felt this special in a long long time with any best friend of mine. Painful but glad that I was able to feel it again. I know everything there is to know about him : his relationships, his friends, his drinking and smoking (:-|) and whatever else there is to know. It’s really stupid of me to go looking for greener pastures when all along I was ignorant of the fact that I have always had my own personal beautiful meadow with the sun shining through the morning mist.. I was so blind and so shallow all along.. I regret it now.

In the end I really did not want him to leave but you know everyone has to leave sometime or the other. I wish I had more of such days. I wish I had everyday like this. After a very long time, I was reminded of the power of love, of the bonds we sometimes make and never break whatever we might do to each other. This is the only such one in my life.

My love,

thank you.. with all my heart. You just became one of the sole reasons for my existence. I love you.